on in-service-training and other things

I just now saw all the new comments that people left, and I just want to say thank you thank you thank you to all y'all for your support and kindness. I don't know if you can know how much it means to me. If I have time after posting this I'll go back and reply. This is the entry I just typed up before signing on:

So it's like this.
Instead of feeling hurt or sad,
I've become practiced at scowling when faced with harassment. Or ignorance. Or corruption and complacency.
(Not that I haven't had a lot of good times and decent progress, but I'm talking about an increasing overall negativiity.)

Last week we had training in Kitui.

I got to explore my bitterness aloud to a roomful of other PCVs. In the beginning I felt ashamed of the hatred I was harboring, and that made me hate myself more. Which made me defensive, and even angrier about the things that angered me.

Most people could relate. Some were angrier. Several offered great advice for processing and understanding my negative reactions.

I am taking this back to site with me.

We also got more information about where to get funding for various projects, and were able to learn a little from each other about needs assessments in our communities. There are a lot of resources available to us, but it's largely up to us to afford and retrieve them.

Training confirmed my belief that Peace Corps, as an organization, needs an extreme makeover. I think PCVs can do great work, and that we gain the experience of a lifetime through service. Peace Corps is stellar when it comes to manpower, time commitment, and community integratedness. But we waste a lot of that by being disorganized and throwing PCVs out there to figure it out for themselves. I mean, for selfish reasons, I'm glad I've had to figure a lot out for myself, because it's challenged me in ways I've never been challenged, and it's shown me that I'm a lot more competent than I ever thought. It's cool cuz I've gained a lot of confidence. But for the communities we live in and want to help, I believe we could do more, and make greater, faster, longer-lasting change.

I could talk for hours about that though, so I'll stop for now.

At the end of training we had an afternoon to visit our homestay families. My homestay niece Ruth, who I was so excited to see, wasn't there. But my friends Justina and Amber and I talked at length with my homestay mama, who is sharp and energetic and talkative and has a dark sarcastic humor that floors me. We also visited Amber and Justina's families, who I loved visiting during our homestay months. At the end we visited Meg's family, where Meg had stayed all afternoon, and by evening, as the four of us made our way home in the dusk, I felt humbled by the kindness and brilliance of these people we called our families for only two and a half months that could make us feel so at home after all this time. I know that that evening we were all turning inward, cleaning out our dusty emotional cupboards. On the bumpy matatu ride back into town, we held up our arms like we were on a rollercoaster, whooping and giggling as we hit the best of potholes, because we were just loving it all, eating it up.

Anyway, I'm only gonna be at site about a week before I leave again for Christmas vacation, so not a lot's getting done this month. I'm going to get to see Kenya from a tourist's point of view for a couple of weeks, and I think it'll be really healthy for me. Plus I'll get to do it all with my sister Susan by my side, and the world will feel smaller and more connected.

As much as things have been getting harder personally and emotionally, I've reached a point where I know I'll miss Kenya when I leave. And that's a good place to be, regardless of the baggage I've brought with me.

Til next time,
jenly